Following through

It makes my heart shrivel, a little, to think of moving Mom again. I have thought about WHY I am feeling this way, and it appears that it is mostly because I fear a (non-existant) committee reviewing this decision and stamping it “TOO SOON–YOU HAVEN’T DONE ENOUGH!” So with that the (false) reason, I have new strength to follow through on this move. Tomorrow Mom’s favorite caregiver and I will take her for a visit to the new room, and try to “sell” the new room: the room she’s in (the one we moved her to recently) has not worked out well in part because she’s looking at a parking lot. The new room has a view of trees and fields, and we can move her bird feeder close to the window so that she can see the birds better. My guess is that she will say OK, and try to cooperate. The last visit, as we moved her, I asked her how she was doing, and she said, “I know I have to stand this, and so I will.” She is very brave even now, and trying so hard to do the right thing AS ALWAYS.

It’s so hard as well to follow through on only visiting my parents every other day, instead of pretty much every day that I am in town–taking a bucket of guilt WITH me, of course, when I do travel to compensate. I was going to be “OFF” yesterday, but Mom’s summer clothes were here at my house, and it was so warm I had to take those to her, and she needed Desitin, garbage bags (I made every aide in Bickford happy by bringing some), air freshener, and tissues–her favorite: Puffs. Well, then I visited with Mom because she was in the room, and planned with the caretaker, and spoke to the nurse, and then there was Dad–he saw me, so I went to him and told him I couldn’t stay then, but “I’ll see you tomorrow,” which would have made it Sun., Mon., Tues., Wed., which is not every other day, and which sort of schedule is draining me. I am at last convinced I have to make a change, however, and so I called Bickford and asked them to tell Dad I couldn’t come today and I would see him tomorrow. I’m sure he understands, and I can hear his voice, “See you next time.” Really he and Mom have not been demanding–I don’t know how I would survive if they were as mean to me as some elderly parents are to their adult children.

Some really good news: Mom’s favorite companion is adding a day, though I worry a little about when she will be out of town–then we’ll need more caretakers, who likely will be more strangers–see? You can make bad news out of good with very little effort, and I’m an expert. DO NOT FOLLOW MY EXAMPLE! I am going to sit on my porch and make some jewelry, and listen to a podcast on my new iPod Touch, and let my right brain take over from my left brain, which will not shut up most of the time, constantly pointing out things that MUST BE DONE. We all jump to the tune of the taskmaster’s whip way too much of the time. Be kind to yourselves today, everyone, and give yourself a break. We all need them.

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